All of us will experience heartbreak at some point in our lives, often multiple times. When this happens, it can feel as if we are enduring genuine physical pain, accompanied by a profound sense of bereavement and an unsettling feeling of failure.
When we go through heartbreak, we may find ourselves questioning our worth, grappling with feelings that we are not attractive, clever, interesting or enough in some other way. However, it’s important to remember that heartbreak is a universal part of the human experience, and we can take solace in knowing that we are not alone in our suffering, even if we feel isolated in those moments. Relationships are complex and challenging; we often place unrealistic expectations on them and on our partners, hoping they will fulfil needs that may be beyond anyone’s capability.
Why Is It Called Heartbreak?
When an intimate relationship ends, our brains respond similarly to how an addict feels when going cold turkey. Stress hormones, such as cortisol and adrenaline, flood our systems, leading to anxiety, agitation, nausea, insomnia and difficulty concentrating. As our “happy” hormones - serotonin, dopamine, and oxytocin -plummet, we may crave the comfort and security of our former partner, even when we know that returning may not be in our best interest.
This craving is akin to addiction; the rational part of our brain struggles to assert itself against the tumult of our emotional turmoil. This reaction is deeply rooted in our evolution as social beings; throughout history, coupling has been essential for survival, procreation and raising future generations. While modern society may not require partnerships for survival, the social norm persists, often favouring couples over single individuals.
But I Just Want To Get Over It & Feel Better
The good news is that, yes you will heal. The not-so-good news is that healing cannot be rushed. If you try to sidestep the pain by immersing yourself in work, hobbies or new relationships, you may miss the opportunity to reflect on your experience fully.
Acknowledging and accepting your feelings, taking responsibility for your part and learning from the experience are crucial for personal growth. It’s essential to process your emotions to avoid carrying toxic baggage into future relationships. Few things are less attractive than someone who spends an entire evening lamenting the grievances of their past relationships.
Here are ten key strategies to help you navigate this difficult time:
Take Time Out: If possible, establish a complete break from contact with your ex. This boundary can prevent impulsive texts or late-night calls made in a moment of vulnerability. A temporary separation allows both of you to process your feelings independently, enabling calmer and more constructive conversations if you choose to reconnect later.
Talk It Out: Lean on your friends and family for support during this challenging time. They care about you and want to help. However, be mindful that they may have their own biases regarding your ex, which can cloud their perspective. Seeking professional guidance can provide an impartial space to explore your feelings deeply and openly.
Practice Self-Care: Treat yourself with the same kindness and care you would offer a friend recovering from an illness. Incorporate practices such as slow breathing exercises, mindfulness and spending time in nature. These activities can help reduce stress hormones, stabilise your mood and promote relaxation. Prioritise healthy sleep patterns and avoid relying on sedatives or excessive alcohol, as these can disrupt your natural sleep cycles and leave you feeling groggy.
Nourish Your Body: Focus on maintaining a nutritious diet, even if your appetite wanes. Quality is more important than quantity. While stress might tempt you toward unhealthy comfort foods, aim for wholesome options that nourish your body and support your mental health. Foods rich in omega-3 fatty acids, such as oily fish, nuts and seeds, are beneficial for producing serotonin, the “feel-good” hormone.
Communicate at Work: If you’re struggling to cope, consider discussing your situation with your employer or close colleagues. This transparency can help alleviate some pressure and foster understanding, especially if you need flexibility during this emotionally taxing period.
Avoid Impulsive Decisions: Refrain from making any significant or expensive life choices while you’re in an emotionally vulnerable state. Decisions made in haste - like a spontaneous tattoo or a drastic hairstyle change - may lead to regret later. Give yourself time to think things through clearly before acting.
Learn from the Experience: Engage with a counsellor to help you process your grief and gain insights into your relationship patterns. A professional can guide you in understanding your feelings and navigating the complexities of your emotions. Online counselling options can provide convenience and comfort as you work through these issues from home.
Journal Your Thoughts: Writing down your feelings can be a therapeutic way to express your emotions. Journaling allows you to reflect on your experiences and track your healing progress over time. It can be enlightening to look back and recognise how far you’ve come since the initial heartbreak.
Break the Cycle: Reflect on why you chose your partner in the first place. Consider what drew you to them and the patterns that may have led to the relationship’s demise. Understanding your attachment style -shaped by childhood experiences - can help you avoid repeating past mistakes and choose partners more wisely in the future.
Reframe Your Perspective: Grieving the loss of a relationship often involves mourning not just the person but the future you envisioned together. While it’s natural to reminisce about the good times, try to see this as a new beginning. Embrace the opportunities ahead of you, recognising that growth and resilience often emerge from adversity.
Let Go of Resentment: Forgiveness - of yourself and your ex - can be challenging but is essential for moving on. Holding onto anger and hurt only serves to trap you in the past. Acknowledge what you’ve learned from the relationship and allow yourself to heal. Embracing vulnerability is crucial for forming deep connections with others, and while your heart may feel battered now, it will mend and you will find happiness again.
As you navigate this difficult journey, remember that healing is possible. Your heart may feel battered now, but it has the incredible capacity to mend. Embrace your vulnerability, for it is a testament to your ability to love deeply. You are already complete and happiness will find you again, with or without a partner.
With love and support,
Dr Julia Sen x
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